Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
