Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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