remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
