Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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