My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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