Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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