she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
