it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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