I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
