Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize