Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
