Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
