we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
