he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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