He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
