We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize