the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I want to fling myself into the sun
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
