The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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