so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
