shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
