Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
