im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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