What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
