i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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