Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
