Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
