I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
