Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
