now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
