She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
