the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
