i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
