I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
