i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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