Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
