I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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