somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
