Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
