The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
