His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize