I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
