the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I am midnight drunk by noon
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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