She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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