I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
