When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
