i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
