I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize