i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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