shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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