her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
