Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
it's like heaven, but drunker
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
