took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
