your thong is hanging out like whoa
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
