It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
