I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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