I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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