I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
