Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
