Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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