I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize