Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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